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THOUGHT
FOR THE DAY: There is more money being spent on
breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2030, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections
and absolutely no recollection of what to do with
them.
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Research indicates that children smile or laugh 400 times per day, adults smile or laugh 15 or less times per day and think negative ideas ¾ of the time. Laughter benefits the body, mind and intellect and the dominant emotions of pleasure, peace, love, and joy. It can control high blood pressure and heart disease and strengthens the immune system. It is the best exercise for bronchitis and asthma by improving the lung capacity and oxygen level in the blood …and reduce Snoring because laughter is very good for the muscles of the soft palate and throat!
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I'm taking early retirement. I want
my share of social security before the whole system goes
bust!
It is time i stepped aside for a less
experienced and less able man
We spend our lives on the run. We get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work, and then we retire. And what do they give us? A bloody clock.
There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that it was time to retire because he had been fired from his job.
She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?"
"For twenty years I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!"
The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. "You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?"
"Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too and she's going to retire."
Roger
marries at 85
At
85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25
year old.
Since
her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after
their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms,
because she is concerned that her new but aged husband
may overexert himself if they spend the entire night
together.
After
the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for
bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough
the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger,
her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite
as one.
All
goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she
prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny
hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's
Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'.
Somewhat
surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When
the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids
her a fond good night and leaves.
She
is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed
it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and
is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.
And,
once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets
set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I
Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform
so well and so often. I have been with guys less than
a third of your age who were only good once. You are
truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger,
somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You
mean I was here already ?'
The
moral of the story : Don't be afraid of getting old,
Alzheimer's has Its advantages.
Retirement & old age jokes
Garage
Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing
his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant
walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left
your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss
told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked
into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his
fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his
assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk
to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my
Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old
mini van with two flat tires.
An
elderly gentleman...
Had
serious hearing problems for a number of years. He
went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have
him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed
the gentleman to hear 100%
The
elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor
and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your
family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The
gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I
just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will three times!'
Two
elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other
and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just
full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age.
How do you feel?'
Slim
says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!?
Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep.
No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An
elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house,
and after eating, the wives left the table and went
into the kitchen.
The
two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night
we went out to a new restaurant and it was really
great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The
other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The
first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What
is the name of that flower you give to someone you
love?
You
know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do
you mean a rose?'
'Yes,
that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards
the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of
that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital
regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse,
I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and
sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who
insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After
a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let
me wheel him to the elevator.
On
the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I
don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the
bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Couple
in their nineties are both having problems remembering
things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that
they're physically okay, but they might want to start
writing things down to help them remember.
Later
that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up
from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?'
he asks.
'Will
you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't
you think you should write it down so you can remember
it?' she asks.
'No,
I can remember it.'
'Well,
I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you
should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He
says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice
cream with strawberries.'
'I'd
also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget
that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated,
he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember
it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream
- I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then
he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The
old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife
a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate
for a moment.
'Where's
my toast?
A
senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So
I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do
I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This
woman, is she good looking?'
'Not
really.'
'Is
she a good cook?'
'Naw,
she can't cook too well.'
'Does
she have lots of money?'
'Nope!
Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well,
then, is she good in bed?'
'I
don't know.'
'Why
in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because
she can still drive!'
Three
old guys are out walking.
First
one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second
one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third
one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
A
man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but
it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,'
answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve
thirty.'
Morris,
an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A
few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down
the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A
couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and
said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris
replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot
mamma and be cheerful.''
The
doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got
a heart murmur; be careful.'
One
more. . .!
A
little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The
waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,'
he replied, 'Arthritis.'
An elderly gent in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver
a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb, and for a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me".
The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No,
no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. I'm new to this.
Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving
a hearse for the past 23 years.
Police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The
officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour,
sir."
The elderly driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on
cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now
don't be silly dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"
As
the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over
at his wife and
growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for
once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be
thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal
radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth,
"Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're
not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I
had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license
out of my back
pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that
you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're
driving."
And
as the police officer is writing out the third ticket
the driver turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT
UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does
your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
An
elderly couple were driving cross-country in their beloved
Skoda ,with the wife at the wheel. She gets pulled over
by a traffic cop. The officer says "Did you know
you were speeding back there?"
The woman being slightly deaf , turns to her husband and asks,
"What did he say?"
The old man shouts,
"He says you were speeding."
The officer says ,
"May I see your license?"
The old woman turns to her husband and asks,
"What did he say."
The old man shouts,
"He wants to see your licence."
The woman gives him her licence.
The officer says,
"I see you are from Fareham. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks,
"What did he say."
The old man yells,
"He thinks he knows you !"
Morris
and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,
and every
year Morris would say, "Esther, I 'd like to ride
in that helicopter".
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter
ride is fifty
dollars -- and Fifty dollars is fifty dollars".
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris
said, "Esther,
I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might
never get
another chance."
Esther replied,"Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars
-- and fifty
dollars is fifty dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll
make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay
quiet for the
entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But
if you say one
word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did
all kinds of
fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his
daredevil tricks
over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed,
the pilot
turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything
I could to get
you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost
said something when
Esther fell out, but you know -- fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The
Promise
There was a man who
had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money,
and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just
before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die,
I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket
with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with
me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
Her friend asked, "You mean to tell me you actually put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
He's on his new R1 and is
really enjoying the ride. He gets to a long straight
and decides to see "what it'll do" and opens
it up......
120, 130, 140, 150 flash across the clock.
"This is brilliant", he thinks to himself and clicks up into top and opens it wide...160, 170, then he starts to think maybe this isn't too clever and
starts to slow down.
When he hits 90, he looks
in his mirrors he sees a police car behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away
from him - no problem!"
and flies back up to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.
Suddenly, he thinks, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulls over to the
side of the road and waited for the police car to catch
up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up
to the bike, looked at his watch and said, "Sir,
my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm
taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason
why you were speeding that I've never heard before,
I'll let you go."
The man looked very seriously at the policeman, and
replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman.
I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir,"
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away". St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating"
explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Kenny "Well just relax and let it happen" And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...
ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken git, you're s****ing the bed!
An
elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided
it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding,
they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage
might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the
subject of their physical relationship.
"How do
you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently,"
she responded.
The old guy paused .... then he asked, "Was that
one word or two?"
Jeff and Paula are getting ready for bed.
Paula is standing in front
of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at
herself.
"You know, Jeff," she comments. "I stare
into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face
is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle
to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped
balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version
of the Hindenberg!" My body has just gone to hell
in a hand basket! She turns to face her husband and says,
"Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about
my body so I can feel better about myself."
Jeff studies Paula critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking
about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents
and
scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little
dull,
but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard
to see
things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it
once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in
the best of
weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes
me hours to
reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it -- Almost every time I sneeze,
cough or
sputter.....
either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
**************************
Hypnotism
A elderly woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember
those headaches I've been having all these years? Well,
they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks 'What happened?'
His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist &
he told me to stand
in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
Well, it worked ! The headaches are all gone.'
'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly
a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why
don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything
for that ?' Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try
it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips
off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into
the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move,
I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes
later and jumps into
bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW ! - that was wonderful !'
The husband says, 'Don't move ! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two
was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD'
she proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom,
she sees him
standing at the mirror and saying ....
She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife'
His
funeral service will be held Saturday.
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