|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Now
scroll down to access some top retirement humour & enjoy ! Laugh
!..
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
THOUGHT
FOR THE DAY: There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by
2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky
boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what
to do with them.
|
Quick links... |
Retirement Jokes / Sayings / Retirement quotes /
For
all those born before 1945
/ Golden Old
Age poem
Senior citizen test / Age
by chocolate / Job
application / 39 Steps
View on Aging / How to stay
young / Something
to think about
A 78 year old woman wrote
this to her bank
Revenge on the telemarketer
Click here to go to second page of
jokes & retirement humour
Click
here for great retirement gift ideas /
Click
here for great Nostalgic gift ideas
Click
here
for top U.S.A. resources
Agematch.com
- the best and largest dating club for the young and old!
Free to place a profile and read tens of thousands of active profiles.
Experience the wonderful on-line dating now!
Research indicates that children smile or laugh 400 times per day, adults smile or laugh 15 or less times per day and think negative ideas ¾ of the time. Laughter benefits the body, mind and intellect and the dominant emotions of pleasure, peace, love, and joy. It can control high blood pressure and heart disease and strengthens the immune system. It is the best exercise for bronchitis and asthma by improving the lung capacity and oxygen level in the blood …and reduce Snoring because laughter is very good for the muscles of the soft palate and throat!
JUST CLICK ON ABOVE SUB-CATEGORY OR SCROLL DOWN TO PROCEED
Retirement & old age jokes
Police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The
officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The elderly driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control
at 60, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be
silly dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"
As the
officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your
radar
detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing
your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but
took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't
have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And
as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband
always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
An elderly
couple were driving cross-country in their beloved Skoda ,with the
wife at the wheel. She gets pulled over by a traffic cop. The officer
says "Did you know you were speeding back there?"
The woman being slightly deaf , turns to her husband and asks,
"What did he say?"
The old man shouts,
"He says you were speeding."
The officer says ,
"May I see your license?"
The old woman turns to her husband and asks,
"What did he say."
The old man shouts,
"He wants to see your licence."
The woman gives him her licence.
The officer says,
"I see you are from Fareham. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks,
"What did he say."
The old man yells,
"He thinks he knows you !"
Morris
and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every
year Morris would say, "Esther, I 'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride
is fifty
dollars -- and Fifty dollars is fifty dollars".
One
year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther,
I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get
another chance."
Esther replied,"Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars -- and
fifty
dollars is fifty dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you
a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say
one
word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds
of
fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks
over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot
turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could
to get
you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when
Esther fell out, but you know -- fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The
Promise
There was a man who had worked all
of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when
it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife,
"When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in
the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with
me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
Her friend asked, "You mean to tell me you actually put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
He's on his new R1 and is really enjoying
the ride. He gets to a long straight and decides to see "what
it'll do" and opens it up......
120, 130, 140, 150 flash across the clock.
"This is brilliant", he thinks to himself and clicks up into top and opens it wide...160, 170, then he starts to think maybe this isn't too clever and
starts to slow down.
When he hits 90, he looks in his mirrors
he sees a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren
blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!"
and flies back up to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.
Suddenly, he thinks, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulls over to the side of the
road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the bike,
looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give
me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before,
I'll let you go."
The man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years
ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing
her back."
"Have a good day, Sir,"
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away". St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating"
explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Kenny "Well just relax and let it happen" And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...
ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken git, you're s****ing the bed!
An elderly
couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time
to marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding
how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the
old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical
relationship.
"How do you feel about
sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy paused .... then he asked, "Was that one word or
two?"
Jeff and Paula are getting ready for bed.
Paula is standing in front of her full-length
mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.
"You know, Jeff," she comments. "I stare into this
mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my
boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are
as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated
version of the Hindenberg!" My body has just gone to hell in
a hand basket! She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear,
please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel
better about myself."
Jeff studies Paula critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and
scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull,
but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see
things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of
weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to
reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it -- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or
sputter.....
either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
Click
here to go to second page of jokes & retirement humour
/
Click
here to go to third page of old age jokes & humour
/
Click
here to go to fourth page of funny old people jokes
/
Funny
general jokes
Link to us | Other useful Links
Funny.co.uk - The UK's premier comedy site, with the latest news, articles and features, plus jokes, games and more.
Jokers
Masquerade - online retailer
specialising in the supply of fancy dress costumes and accessories.
Humor in posters. - Bring joy to your home. Amazing Posters of Humor
GET YOUR JOKE RESOURCE LISTED ABOVE
If you would like to be added, just copy and paste the following HTML
code into your desired webpage code. Then contact
us to let us know. We will will then add your related link &
description to our retirement jokes site and acknowledge with-out
delay.
| <p><a href="http://www.mabels.org.uk/retirement-jokes.htm">Retirement jokes from Mabels . Here you will find a selection of the best retirement jokes, quotes, poems,sayings & speeches as well as great retirement & nostalgic gift ideas.</a></p> |
Other leisure pages : Gardening , Music/Videos , Reading , Pets , Hobbies , Travel , Sport , Competitions
|
||||||||||||||||||||
|
Search Mabels
|
||
|
Click here to find out how thousands are improving their vision thanks to natural vision correction. Recommendations: |
||
| eBay.co.uk With millions of items listed & traded daily, it's easy to find what you're looking for and bag a bargain on the world's online marketplace. Click here to get bidding! |
compare
prices with Kelkoo
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Please visit us again..More Retirement jokes & Retirement quotes coming shortly. Thank you |