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THOUGHT
FOR THE DAY: There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by
2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky
boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what
to do with them.
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Research indicates that children smile or laugh 400 times per day, adults smile or laugh 15 or less times per day and think negative ideas ¾ of the time. Laughter benefits the body, mind and intellect and the dominant emotions of pleasure, peace, love, and joy. It can control high blood pressure and heart disease and strengthens the immune system. It is the best exercise for bronchitis and asthma by improving the lung capacity and oxygen level in the blood …and reduce Snoring because laughter is very good for the muscles of the soft palate and throat!
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Roger
marries at 85
At
85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year
old.
Since
her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and
Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new
but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night
together.
After
the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected
knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there
is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as
one.
All
goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to
sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door,
and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more
'action'.
Somewhat
surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done,
Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and
leaves.
She
is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back
again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for
more 'action'.
And,
once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his
young bride says to him, 'I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you
can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third
of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover,
Roger.'
Roger,
somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here
already ?'
The
moral of the story : Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has Its
advantages.
Retirement & old age jokes
Garage
Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper
was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and
said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage
door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked
into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his
paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then
understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He
headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my
garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van
with two flat tires.
An
elderly gentleman...
Had
serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and
the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The
elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can
hear again.'
The
gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family
yet.
I
just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will
three times!'
Two
elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a
tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and
I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you
feel?'
Slim
says, 'I feel just like a newborn
baby.'
'Really!?
Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep.
No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my
pants.'
An
elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the
wives left the table and went into the
kitchen.
The
two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new
restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very
highly.'
The
other man said, 'What is the name of the
restaurant?'
The
first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that
flower you give to someone you love?
You
know... The one that's red and has
thorns.'
'Do
you mean a rose?'
'Yes,
that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and
yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last
night?'
Hospital
regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However,
while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already
dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted
he didn't need my help to leave the
hospital.
After
a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the
elevator.
On
the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting
him.
'I
don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out
of her hospital gown.'
Couple
in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a
checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they
might want to start writing things down to help them
remember.
Later
that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want
anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he
asks.
'Will
you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't
you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she
asks.
'No,
I can remember it.'
'Well,
I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down,
so's not to forget it?'
He
says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.'
'I'd
also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?'
she asks.
Irritated,
he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with
strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
sake!'
Then
he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20
minutes,
The
old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and
eggs. She stares at the plate for a
moment.
'Where's
my toast?
A
senior citizen said to his eighty-year old
buddy:
'So
I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do
I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This
woman, is she good looking?'
'Not
really.'
'Is
she a good cook?'
'Naw,
she can't cook too well.'
'Does
she have lots of money?'
'Nope!
Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well,
then, is she good in bed?'
'I
don't know.'
'Why
in the world do you want to marry her
then?'
'Because
she can still drive!'
Three
old guys are out walking.
First
one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second
one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third
one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a
beer.'
A
man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me
four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's
perfect.'
'Really,'
answered the neighbor . 'What kind is
it?'
'Twelve
thirty.'
Morris,
an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a
physical.
A
few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A
couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really
doing great, aren't you?'
Morris
replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.''
The
doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be
careful.'
One
more. . .!
A
little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself
slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered
a banana split.
The
waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed
nuts?'
'No,'
he replied, 'Arthritis.'
An elderly gent in a
taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the
shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb, and for a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me".
The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. I'm new to this. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 23 years.
Police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The
officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The elderly driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control
at 60, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be
silly dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"
As the
officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your
radar
detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing
your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but
took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't
have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And
as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband
always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
An elderly
couple were driving cross-country in their beloved Skoda ,with the
wife at the wheel. She gets pulled over by a traffic cop. The officer
says "Did you know you were speeding back there?"
The woman being slightly deaf , turns to her husband and asks,
"What did he say?"
The old man shouts,
"He says you were speeding."
The officer says ,
"May I see your license?"
The old woman turns to her husband and asks,
"What did he say."
The old man shouts,
"He wants to see your licence."
The woman gives him her licence.
The officer says,
"I see you are from Fareham. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks,
"What did he say."
The old man yells,
"He thinks he knows you !"
Morris
and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every
year Morris would say, "Esther, I 'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride
is fifty
dollars -- and Fifty dollars is fifty dollars".
One
year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther,
I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get
another chance."
Esther replied,"Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars -- and
fifty
dollars is fifty dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you
a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say
one
word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds
of
fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks
over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot
turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could
to get
you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when
Esther fell out, but you know -- fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The
Promise
There was a man who had worked all
of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when
it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife,
"When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in
the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with
me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
Her friend asked, "You mean to tell me you actually put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
He's on his new R1 and is really enjoying
the ride. He gets to a long straight and decides to see "what
it'll do" and opens it up......
120, 130, 140, 150 flash across the clock.
"This is brilliant", he thinks to himself and clicks up into top and opens it wide...160, 170, then he starts to think maybe this isn't too clever and
starts to slow down.
When he hits 90, he looks in his mirrors
he sees a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren
blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!"
and flies back up to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.
Suddenly, he thinks, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulls over to the side of the
road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the bike,
looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give
me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before,
I'll let you go."
The man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years
ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing
her back."
"Have a good day, Sir,"
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away". St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating"
explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Kenny "Well just relax and let it happen" And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...
ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken git, you're s****ing the bed!
An elderly
couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time
to marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding
how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the
old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical
relationship.
"How do you feel about
sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy paused .... then he asked, "Was that one word or
two?"
Jeff and Paula are getting ready for bed.
Paula is standing in front of her full-length
mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.
"You know, Jeff," she comments. "I stare into this
mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my
boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are
as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated
version of the Hindenberg!" My body has just gone to hell in
a hand basket! She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear,
please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel
better about myself."
Jeff studies Paula critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and
scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull,
but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see
things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of
weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to
reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it -- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or
sputter.....
either my
radiator leaks or my exhaust
backfires!
**************************
Hypnotism
A elderly woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember
those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks 'What happened?'
His
wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand
in front of a mirror, stare at myself and
repeat,
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I
do not have a headache
Well, it worked ! The headaches are all
gone.'
'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of
fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the
hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that ?' Reluctantly, the
husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband
comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into
the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right
back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes
later and jumps into
bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW ! - that was wonderful !'
The husband
says, 'Don't move ! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the
bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she
proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right
back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she
sees him
standing at the mirror and saying ....
She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my
wife'
His
funeral service will be held Saturday.
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