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Retirement is not the end of your working life, it's the start of your non-working life - enjoy!
Yes, it's finally here! This is it!
Make the most of it!!

Retirement jokes & Quotes

retirement jokes

Now scroll down to access some top retirement humour & enjoy ! By the way, although the webpage is not the tidiest, it does contain the best senior and retirement humour in one place!

Get ready for work, go to your old workplace and feel the joy
of being able to walk straight pass it!

Draw up an annual leave slip for yourself with leave granted on every day of the year.

Some of your friends may still be working, so don't rub it in about the tough day you've had visiting the National Trust tearooms.

Retirement is a miracle cure - You will never again have a mystery 'illness' that requires you to have a day of work.

It doesn't matter to you now if the government decides to increase the retirement age.


What do retirees call a long lunch?

A short lunch.


What is the typical government retiree's idea of intense physical

A brisk sit!


When is the best time to start thinking about your retirement?

Before your boss does!


There are numerous advantages in being fifty, just ask any eighty year old!!!


You're over the hill when your back goes out more than you do


You're getting old when there's no question in your mind that there's no question in your mind

Laugh !..
Humour is a powerful antidote to stress. It can be a great way to relieve tension and could be as easy as renting a funny video and watching it at home , or even reading some of the following retirement jokes & quotes!!

Right now I'm having amnesia and
deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before.



Viagra is now available in
powder form for your tea.
It doesn't enhance sexual
performance but it does stop your
biscuit going soft.


If you live to be a 100 you've got it made, very few people die past that age!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Quick links...


Don't forget to visit our entertainment section in our Mabels forum and read the latest great jokes

Retirement Jokes / Sayings / Retirement quotes /

For all those born before 1945 / Golden Old Age poem / Green - Really?

Senior citizen test / Age by chocolate / Job application / 39 Steps
View on Aging / How to stay young /
Something to think about
A 78 year old woman wrote this to her bank
Revenge on the telemarketer / Exercise humour /

Click here to go to second page of jokes & retirement humour

Click here for great retirement gift ideas /
Click here for great Nostalgic gift ideas /
Very humourous cards for the young at heart


Agematch.com - the best and largest dating club for the young and old! Free to place a profile and read tens of thousands of active profiles. Experience the wonderful on-line dating now!

Research indicates that children smile or laugh 400 times per day, adults smile or laugh 15 or less times per day and think negative ideas ¾ of the time. Laughter benefits the body, mind and intellect and the dominant emotions of pleasure, peace, love, and joy. It can control high blood pressure and heart disease and strengthens the immune system. It is the best exercise for bronchitis and asthma by improving the lung capacity and oxygen level in the blood …and reduce Snoring because laughter is very good for the muscles of the soft palate and throat!



I'm taking early retirement. I want my share of social security before the whole system goes bust!

It is time i stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man

We spend our lives on the run. We get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work, and then we retire. And what do they give us? A bloody clock.

There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that it was time to retire because he had been fired from his job.

She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?"

"For twenty years I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!"

The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. "You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?"

"Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too and she's going to retire."


Roger marries at 85  

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'.
Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.
And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already ?'

The moral of the story : Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has Its advantages.

Retirement & old age jokes

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. 

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' 

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.


An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'



Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'


'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'


'Do I know her?'


'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

An elderly gent in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb, and for a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me".

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. I'm new to this. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 23 years.

Police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The elderly driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

An elderly couple were driving cross-country in their beloved Skoda ,with the wife at the wheel. She gets pulled over by a traffic cop. The officer says "Did you know you were speeding back there?"

The woman being slightly deaf , turns to her husband and asks,

"What did he say?"

The old man shouts,

"He says you were speeding."

The officer says ,

"May I see your license?"

The old woman turns to her husband and asks,

"What did he say."

The old man shouts,

"He wants to see your licence."

The woman gives him her licence.

The officer says,

"I see you are from Fareham. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks,

"What did he say."

The old man yells,

"He thinks he knows you !"

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every
year Morris would say, "Esther, I 'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty
dollars -- and Fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther,
I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get
another chance."
Esther replied,"Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars -- and fifty
dollars is fifty dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one
word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks
over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot
turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get
you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when

Esther fell out, but you know -- fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The Promise

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

Her friend asked, "You mean to tell me you actually put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

A biker in his late 50's is out for a blast on the first fine day in spring.

He's on his new R1 and is really enjoying the ride. He gets to a long straight and decides to see "what it'll do" and opens it up......
120, 130, 140, 150 flash across the clock.

"This is brilliant", he thinks to himself and clicks up into top and opens it wide...160, 170, then he starts to think maybe this isn't too clever and

starts to slow down.

When he hits 90, he looks in his mirrors he sees a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!"
and flies back up to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.

Suddenly, he thinks, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulls over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the bike, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir,"

Old Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away". St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating"
explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Kenny "Well just relax and let it happen" And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...
ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken git, you're s****ing the bed!

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry.  Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy paused .... then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"

Jeff and Paula are getting ready for bed.

Paula is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.
"You know, Jeff," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!" My body has just gone to hell in a hand basket! She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Jeff studies Paula critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."


If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and
scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull,
but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see
things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to
reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it -- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or
either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!




A elderly woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand

in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,

I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache

Well, it worked ! The headaches are all gone.'

'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that ?'  Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into

bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW ! - that was wonderful !'

The husband says, 'Don't move ! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him
standing at the mirror and saying ....



She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife'


His funeral service will be held Saturday.

Click here to go to second page of jokes & retirement humour /

Click here to go to third page of old age jokes & humour /

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