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Now
scroll down to access some top retirement humour & enjoy ! A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices an old drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him. The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap. "Jeez," the man says wondering
how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically
drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side
of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. He then drives to the address the bartender
gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and
the guy falls to the ground. "Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home." "That was nice of you," she
says, looking around... Two elderly women were
eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something
funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've
got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I
have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then
she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I
know where my hearing aid is." A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!" Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know? Percy , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor
saw Percy walking down the street with a A couple of days later
the doctor spoke to Percy and said, ' You're Percy replied, 'Just doing
what you said, Doctor: Get a hot mamma and The doctor said, 'I didn't
say that. I said, You got a heart murmur.
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a shop and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the shop assistant , "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds." A man once counselled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his corn-flakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium. A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!" Click here to go to next page of funny old people jokes
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| <p><a href="http://www.mabels.org.uk/retirement-jokes.htm">Retirement jokes from Mabels . Here you will find a selection of the best retirement jokes, quotes, poems,sayings & speeches as well as great retirement & nostalgic gift ideas.</a></p> |
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