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Now
scroll down to access some top humour & enjoy ! Funny general people jokesI was a
very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a
year, and so we decided to get married.There was only one little thing
bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My
prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and
generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be
deliberate. Because
she never did it when she was near anyone
else. One day
her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that
she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told
me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life
to her sister. Well, I
was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs
to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get
me." I was
stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood
there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front
door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and
behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping! With tears
in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that
you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family." And the
moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your
car... Sick Leave I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss
would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted
"Crazy" Then he would tell me to take a few days
off. So, I hung upside- down on the ceiling and made funny
noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was
doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So that
the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days
off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and
asked, "What in the name of goodness are you
doing?" I told him I was a light
bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed
out." Go home and recuperate for a couple of
days." I jumped down and walked out of the
office... When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked
her, "...And where do you think you're
going?!" She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the
dark." Aussies Whilst out diving the bloke's wife goes missing. He reports
the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what
could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is
confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger
Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you,
unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some
more good news." "Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad
news first?" The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is
dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a
little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up,
but she was dead." The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and
has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and
asks, "what's the good
news.......?? The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were
quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to
her, so we've brought you your
share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays
and four or five crabs in it. "Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill
wind and all that... So what's the other possible good
news?" "Well," the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip,
me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna
shoot over there and pull her up
again.....!" Firmer With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you
firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool
man, and your brother! A Bottle of Merlot A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of
Merlot to a very She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not
looking at the man and
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your After reading the note, the man decided to compose
one of his own in It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello,
a BMW Z8, a Mercedes
TWO IRISH ENGINEERS and a BLONDE Two Irishmen were standing
at the base of a flagpole, looking up. We need the height and she gives us the length." An old man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway." "You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything will be OK, but I need to mention to you something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch." The bloke perks up at this. "So the thing is"
the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you
want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean,
if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine
incher So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day. "So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?" "I have." says the fellow. "And has she helped you in making the decision?" "She has" says the bloke. "And what is it?" asks the doctor. . . "We're having a new kitchen." The Bathtub Test NELSON MANDELA
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